poorly written blog

the end of the end

2007-07-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Drove past a Radio Shack tonight and wondered how there could be so many of them in the world if no-one I know ever shops there. Who does? Why are they everywhere? Then I thought maybe they're a front for something. Then I thought that this was all so fucking clever that I should blog about it. And then I realized that I am an asshole and the entire idea of this blog is so incredibly gay that it cannot go on even one more day. It's presence is inexcusable. It has to stop.

airbags

2007-07-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

I just caught the end of a Jason Bourne movie where he has a high speed chase through a Russian tunnel so he can apologize to a chick he's never met for offing her parents. During the course of the chase approximately 850 cars are smashed into, rolled over, or otherwise destroyed. Seems like a lot of effort to make nice with one girl. Where's the apology to all the poor bastards & their families in that tunnel that he just killed or maimed? Seems a little hypocritical is all I'm saying. Fucking inconsiderate brainwashed amnesiac spy jerk.

fanatics

2007-07-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Fanatics need to die. Once mindless devotion replaces critical thinking, people become unreasonable. I don't care what you're talking about, every single thing in the world has strengths and weaknesses. Nothing is completely perfect. To lose the ability to recognize that turns a person into a zealot. They can't be argued with, can't be made to see other points of view. Their brains cloud over and the only thing they can see is their love for whatever object/person/ideal they've become fixated on. These are the most dangerous motherfuckers alive.

No sane person would strap dynamite to himself and blow up a daycare. No rational human being would drive a truck of explosives into an airport lobby. No one with the tiniest shred of reason would stand in line for a week to purchase a phone with fewer features than the devices in his pocket. These are actions that don't make sense. To carry them out requires people to turn off all the parts of their brains that generate thought and just completely give themselves over to religion, or hate, or marketing. If I kill these children I will receive honeyed cakes in heaven. If I assassinate this leader Jodie Foster will love me. If I dangle this shiny gadget off my belt the hot girl on the the bus will blow me. Ain't gonna happen. You're going to hell. Jodie doesn't care who you are. Hot girl thinks you're a poseur douchebag.

If you're reading this and it makes sense and you can see the logic in it, then you're probably a person worth keeping. If you read it and either can't understand it, or are filled with rage over it, then you are in fact one of the assholes who needs to die.

less than meets the eye

2007-07-05T00:00:00.001-07:00

I'm going to take a break from asshole week for a movie review. I've said before that I don't really want to write them on here because there are already a ton of sources for reviews already, and that I wasn't interested in really putting in the effort unless the movie was just terrible. This should give you some clue as to what's about to follow...

Transformers.

What a godawful appallingly bad piece of complete shit. Just a total waste of effort. So obscenely insultingly bad that about half way through I just wanted it to be over so I could get away from the dumb bastards in the theater who actually seemed to be enjoying it. But I stayed because I kept hoping for it to get better. I mean the potential was right there. Transformers themselves are fucking cool. Gigantic robots hellbent on kicking the living shit out of each other?! What's not to like about that? That has smashy joy written all over it. It didn't happen. Or rather it did happen, but in frustratingly short bites so psychotically and spastically directed as to be incomprehensible. Michael Bay is truly his own worst enemy. I'll give the guy credit for dreaming up cool ways to blow things up. He's exceptionally good at thinking of ways to destroy shit. But he's a complete and total hack at preserving that destruction on film. He can't hold still. The camera is constantly ducking and weaving in and around and through whatever's happening. Filmic tourettes. The end result being that 90% of the time I couldn't tell one giant robot from another. Did that fast moving thing just crush the chest/head/pelvis of an Autobot or Decepticon? Am I happy that whatever that was just died/was injured/escaped? Back the motherfucking camera up and hold it still so I can make out what's going on!

Worse, the ineptly filmed battle scenes were all already shown in the trailers. A trailer should give a hint of what you'll see, not the whole movie. If I see a minute fifty-eight of robots duking it out in a two minute trailer, that makes me think I'll see hours of it in the movie. Nope. Everything that was worth seeing I'd already seen before ever buying my ticket. Almost everything else I saw was crap.

There had to be some good you'd say right? Okay, here were the good things. Shia LeBeouf (Sam) did a good job as the main human lead. He was entertaining to watch and was likable and funny. Megan Fox (hot chick) was extremely attractive. John Turturro (government spook a-hole) was ridiculously over the top and the only one who really seemed to recognize how preposterous this all was and act accordingly. He chewed every bit of scenery and was hammy and fun to see. The opening scene of the Decepticon helicopter kicking the shit out of a military base was pretty sweet. And the stuff where Bumblebee (the Camaro - not a Volkswagen Bug as he should be: bullshit GM product placement) was endearing himself to Sam was enjoyable as well. But that's it.

Everything else was just a loud stupid mess. Most of the humor was of the lowest common denominator variety. A fat guy eats donuts. A chihuahua wears both a cast and a jeweled collar. Things get peed on. One of the most disappointing bits of "humor" came from an interminable scene where the Autobots loiter around in Sam's back yard for at least 15 minutes of screen time. They're out there trampling flowers and knocking shit over and basically behaving like the Three Stooges. It was awful and painful to sit through.

Had this movie been 1 1/2 hrs long and cut out the lowbrow antics and had fight scenes you could actually follow, it would have been worth seeing. But Michael Bay is incapable of delivering that film. Had Spielberg actually directed this instead of just producing, I'm sure we'd have gotten something watchable. Bay lacks the wit and clarity Spielberg does. And even with an enormous budget and the technological craftsmanship that ILM was able to deliver, he couldn't make a film worth watching. I guess I really didn't take a break from asshole week after all, because any bastard capable of taking an idea with so much promise and turning it into an unpleasantly degrading sweating turd like this is truly an asshole who needs to die.

happy 4th of july...

2007-07-04T10:06:00.001-07:00

you assbags.

walmart shoppers

2007-07-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

Walmart shoppers need to die. If this very instant, every person in every Walmart across the nation suddenly perished, we'd be much better off as a people. There is simply no good reason to shop there. They're huge and dirty and the aisles are too narrow and the employees are morons and they always smell faintly of pig urine. And yet, pick a time of the day or night, and these fuckers are just crammed to capacity with toothless lowlifes. What are these jackasses buying at 4am? Why are they there? Don't they have homes?

Now for a certain percentage of the population, the Walmart experience is a necessary evil, as good ol' Sam has come in and assraped the local economy so badly that no other retail establishment can survive. That is unfortunate. It's insulting enough for them to have to wade through the human effluvium swimming toward the cesspool of the Scrapbooking department without adding the insult of being killed to better humanity just because there's no place else to buy Eggos. For those poor bastards, I have pity. But I think even they would agree it's for the greater good.

In cities where there are options though, and people still willingly choose Walmart over other stores, there's simply no question in my mind that they should be offed. Anyone pushing around a shopping cart filled with Marlboro Reds, beef jerky, shotgun shells, Tweety Bird sweatpants, and a dvd box set of Mama's Family is an asshole who needs to die.

breeders

2007-07-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

Breeders need to die. Now of course I know that if they all died then the human race would go extinct and that would defeat the purpose of only having the asshole portion of us wiped out. Although realistically, if we're talking about what would most help the whole planet, it's still not a bad course of action. We'd disappear, taking with us our pollution and war and country music and the planet could go about finding balance again and maybe in a thousand years this would be a decent place to live again. Cougars would be a lot happier anyway, they're sick and tired of our bullshit.

So it's not all breeders then, just the ones who shouldn't. This includes those that have no business procreating in the first place, and the ones who are clearly abusing the process by pushing out far more children than are necessary. These two groups are not mutually exclusive, which makes the whole thing even worse.

If you can't make ends meet on your own; if everyday is a struggle to provide yourself with food, shelter, and pornography, then you have no business bringing another one of you into existence. You are already a drain on the system. Do us all a favor and keep your precious essence to yourself.

If you already have a kid, at most two - then please just stop. Don't keep churning them out because you can. Maybe you're stupid, maybe you're Catholic. Whatever you're using as your personal justification is wrong. Get yourself fixed and then fuck carefree for the rest of your life. You've sown your seed, your name will live on. We're all just ecstatic for you. Now knock it off. If you don't stop on your own, society as a whole should be allowed to terminate your membership, because you are clearly an asshole who needs to die.

morning people

2007-06-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Morning people need to die. What a bunch of irritating cocksuckers. Bouncing along all happy and jazzed to be alive at the crack of fucking dawn. Screw that noise. There is clearly no good reason to want to be up that early. And yet these jagoffs with their cheerful grins and can-do attitudes insist on pretending there is. They want to talk to you and tell you how beautiful the sunrise is and drink their gigantic goddamned iced latte triple espresso grande mochachinos with just a sprinkle if cinnamon and blah blah blah. They honestly think that taking three minutes to list all the ingredients in their coffee makes them interesting and cool. It doesn't. Not even a little.

What truly makes these fuckers deserving of death is that they can't just leave it alone. If they would all get up early and hang out with each other and leave the rest of us be, they'd be tolerable. But what these pricks love more than anything in the whole entire world is to spot someone sensible who is obviously not enjoying being up early and ask them in their bitchass way "You're not a morning person are you?" Fuck. You. If I'm out in the world that early it's because I have to be. I have to work, or my apartment is on fire. Otherwise I'd be in bed - where people should be in the morning. We should sleep til we're done sleeping and then roll out of bed and spend a leisurely morning lounging around in our pajamas. We should not have to see other humans until lunch. We definitely shouldn't be rudely awakened by an alarm clock and shit out into the world to toil away at our jobs. It's not natural. It's not right. It's awful, amoral, and unjust. And if you can't understand that, then you are an asshole who needs to die.

assholes who need to die

2007-06-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

There are too many people on the earth. Just too many. The planet is all fucked up because of it. I'm not going to explain to you all the reasons why that's true. Al Gore already has that covered. But I am going to propose a solution that he hasn't: kill people. A lot of them.

I'm not talking about genocide. Not an indiscriminate extermination - that's psychotic and doomed to fail. Moreso a thoughtful culling of people who deserve to die. People who have shown through their actions to be making the world a worse place to live. By removing them from the general populace we'll not only gain resources that would otherwise be wasted keeping them alive, but our overall quality of life will improve by not being burdened with their bullshit.

The gift of life is said to be precious, but really, any jackass with a bottle of tequila can get herself pregnant - and we're all stuck with the results. Killing children (while easier and more efficient) has a certain... taint associated with it. People just don't like it. So I'll leave them out of consideration. Plus, if the rule is that your choices determine your fate, then you have to be old enough to make your own bad decisions. Just because your parents are idiots doesn't mean you should be punished for that. If mom and dad are euthanized and you choose to end your own life because of it - well then thanks. Saves us a bullet.

Okay, enough explanation of the rules, let's get to the first group who truly need to die. They are of course....

good/bad 2

2007-06-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

Good thing: Puppies. Puppies are delightful. They have wet noses and big paws and all they want to do is play play play until they get tired and then they fall asleep and have little puppy dreams where they kick and snort in their sleep. There are few things in the world happier than a puppy. Actually, I can't think of anything happier than a puppy - except maybe a whole bunch of puppies running around like crazypeople.

Bad thing: Itchass. Itchass fucking sucks. It especially sucks when it comes about because your body decides it needs to shit immediately after taking a shower. You've gotten up, jumped in the tub, cleaned your junk, and toweled off. Your body is the cleanest it's going to be that day. You've scrubbed and washed and everything is shiny and fresh and pure. And then your goddamned innards decide they want to void. So you go immediately from being as clean as possible, to defiling yourself with the dirtiest act your body is capable of. What a crock. Defeats the whole purpose of the shower. You may as well have just slept in. You should at least get to enjoy your state of clean for a while. But no, here's comes Mr. Shit parading back out of you fouling up the joint. And then there you sit 6 hours later at work with an itchy a-hole because I don't care how thorough you are, there is no amount of wiping your pucker with dry toilet paper that's going to get it as clean as soap and water. It's completely unacceptable.

roy, are you peeing?

2007-06-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

I just watched a commercial for male guards. Not armored men who protect your stuff, but some kind of pad you can wear that absorbs um... leakage. A bunch of bikers were driving around in full leathers being all hardassy, and intercut into that was this absorbent shield. A manpon. As if this wasn't bad enough, the next commercial was for Viagra.

Now I'm not saying that these problems shouldn't be addressed, but do they really need to be advertised? If you're pissing yourself or can't get an erection, I think you'll probably seek out a solution. If you're marinating in a puddle of your own urine just waiting for a commercial to tell you what to do, then maybe you don't deserve help. You definitely won't have any use for a hardon.

Used to be that these useless ads were the domain of women. Maxipads, douches... items that don't require catchy slogans. If your gash is laying down a stank, do something about it. Maybe consult a clinician. Don't sit around watching Golden Girls waiting for guidance.

Advertisements should target shit I don't need - like Funyons or Girls Gone Wild videos. Things my body cannot send me direct signals to buy. I know I need Herpecin. I don't know which celebrity hair color will best bring out my eyes.

guess who's blog sucks?

2007-06-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Mine. My blog sucks. Although, to be completely accurate and impartial - all blogs suck. They just do. But I only control this one. I can't do anything about the 80 kajillion others out there.

So what exactly should I do about my blog's suckitude? The most obvious answer would be to quit. Stop polluting the world with my shit and just pull the plug. A less obvious, and more difficult solution would be to um... improve it. Make it worthwhile. Find a focus. Put in the time and effort to better it. Instead of throwing some halfassed crap onto the internet everyday I could attempt to hone my skillz and make this worth reading. But what if I put in some actual work and try to make it worth visiting and it still sucks? At least now I can point out it's considerable suckage and not feel all that bad about it. As I'm not really striving for greatness. But if I were trying hard and it still blew ass, that would really be a letdown.

Maybe I should just do like every other blog in existence and document every day of my pathetic life. Detail one mundane experience after another. Like when I got potroast from the cafeteria and it was bland and I couldn't find any salt. Or when I went to Target and forgot my wallet and felt like a dick. Twice. Or when the lady on the bus next to me smelled like nachos. Is there some purpose in writing that? Could anyone possibly give the tiniest shit? Unless I'm a movie star or a world traveler or something interesting, what does it matter what I do each day? I've seen blogs where parents start one for a newborn and detail every second of their lives. They all stop after a few months because they finally realize that it's fucking monotonous. Lessee - Day 118: Timmy ate, shit, and napped. Just like days 1-117. Yep. That's what he does. Every goddamned day. Meanwhile I never sleep, have sex, or carry on full conversations anymore. Sure am glad to have a son. The little prick. I hate my life.

And now I've thoroughly bored myself. But at least I've thrown enough crap into this box to feel like I can stop. Maybe tomorrow I'll write something better. Or maybe I won't.

who wants a punch in the nuts?

2007-06-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

Not me. That's for sure. Remember in Family Circus when Billy would break stuff and blame it on Not Me, that bullshit ghost? His mom would always be looking in from the edge of the circle and Billy'd be crying like a girl and pointing to that smirking bastard spirit. How was that supposed to be funny? Was the message that Billy is not only destructive, but also a pathological liar? Or was it that Billy was truly the victim, and this asshole demon really was busting shit up and getting Billy into trouble? I hope it's the second one, cuz that actually is a little funny. Poor fat fuck is sitting around playing with Dolly and then an evil spectre knocks a lamp on the floor and his bitchass takes the heat. Serves him right.

wet and shitty

2007-06-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Dear MAG,
I had a very odd dream last night that I was hoping you could help me interpret. I was at this girl's apartment I know, well I've never been to her apartment, but I know her. She was at the time using the shower. Anyhow my wife was there at the same time, but she didn't know it was the other girl's apartment. And did not find it odd I was there. She was using the bathroom at the same time also. I was very worried that my wife would notice the other girl in the shower, but she never did. What does this all mean? I'm at a loss to figure it out. Thanks.

Sign me,
"A 1 bathroom apartment with 2 women"

Mr. Advice Guy says:
I want to say at the outset of this answer that you're gay. Not because anything in the dream lends itself to that. I just think everyone is gay.

Okay, so you're at this chick's place and she doesn't know you're there. She's wet & naked. Your wife is with you, not concerned about where she is & oblivious to the girl, using the crapper. You're standing there aware that both of them are in the bathroom at the same time, worried that your wife will see the other chick.

Obviously you want to fuck the chick in the shower but are too much of a chickenshit to do it. Your wife is so unaware of your desire that she can actually be in her place without noticing it. Further, she's so totally clueless about it that even with the chick showering in the same room all your wife can think to do is push out a steamer.

In your mind you've taken both women and relegated them to either a desirable or undesirable state. Chick nude and sudsy. Wife dropping a deuce. Clean inviting cooter vs filthy soiled starfish. You're bored with your marriage and think an affair will spice up your life. You are an idiot who will end up divorced and miserable.

Best of luck with that.

dickfer

2007-06-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Why do advice columnists throw around acronyms and expect that everyone will know what the hell they are talking about?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Simon Le Bon of Duran Duran was once asked why rock stars fuck models. His answer: "Because they can."

FODS

silver shitter

2007-06-19T00:00:00.001-07:00

The first Fantastic Four movie was a stinking wretched pile. Bad acting, horrible plot, shit special effects. It made a whole lot of money.

The new Fantastic Four movie is getting terrible reviews that say it has bad acting, a horrible plot, and shit special effects. It made 58 million dollars its opening weekend.

Part of me wants to understand how people can continue to pay money to see such complete crap. The other part thinks that forcing my mind into a state where this could make sense would cause such profound and irreparable damage as to render my brain unusable for all but the simplest tasks - like purchasing gum, walking upright, or running the country.

If humans really are only 3% removed from apes, I wonder sometimes if they got the better end of the deal.

who ate my frogurt?!

2007-06-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Why are people such cocks in community kitchens? They do all sorts of shit that they would never do at home. They let food rot in the refrigerator, blow things up in the microwave without cleaning it up and are just pigs in general.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Why do people write into advice columnists with candyass whiny bullshit that they could easily solve for themselves if they'd just nut it up and be a little more proactive? You want the kitchen clean, then fucking clean it. You want others to pitch in, then threaten to take away something if they don't. Stop being such a mealy-mouthed homo and put in some effort. I'm not your mother. I'm not going to fight your battles for you. Clean your mug, throw out your food when it's bad, and get on with your life you Sally.

you gonna finish that?

2007-06-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

How long do people fast? Like for religious stuff? Days? Weeks? Months? How long can the human body go without food? I guess I could just look this shit up rather than asking you. How the hell are you supposed to know anyway? Hold on a second idiot…. Here's the answer from some internet quack:

After one day without food, the body will have used up its carbohydrates, which are stored as glycogen in liver and muscle cells. After that, it's on to the fat reserves. Your average Joe/Jane, weight-wise, has enough fat reserves to live for four to six weeks without food. After that, the body begins to use its protein reserves (basically, the body itself). Body proteins are used up at a much faster rate than fat, and you could really only get another two to three weeks out of protein. At that point, however, you can't really call it living since so much irreparable damage has been done to the body, including the brain.

Bottom line: an average person could live for about eight weeks on water alone, give or take about a week for an over- or underweight person, respectively.

Well there ya have it. While looking up this I found a story about some guy in India who apparently hasn't had anything to eat or drink in a decade. He must be one thirsty, demented bitch.

good/bad

2007-06-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

Good thing: Pears. Pears are delicious. I wish I knew how to buy fruit better. Usually I end up buying it and then not knowing if it should be stored in the fridge or on the counter. In the fridge it lasts longer, but doesn't get ripe. On the counter, it will get ripe, but it also goes bad much quicker. So I end up with this weird window of like 2 days to eat all the fruit I bought. One day, the pears are hard and unappealing. Next day, they're all perfect, and I have only two days to eat them before they go to mush. Peaches are even worse, they go from ripe to moldy in about 24 hours. Bananas go from tasty to black and gross in about 57 minutes. But anyway, when the fruit is ripe, it's a superb snack, and much healthier than candy or chips.

Bad thing: Joe Rogan. What a fucking douchebag.

i like it in the caboose

2007-06-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

The other day I went to a hobby shop. It had models and paints and stuff like that. Mostly it had an assload of train things. Electric trains and train spotting guides and train videos… if a train was involved, this place had it. While I was there I overheard parents and children who were shopping together. They were talking to each other about their interests and exchanging stories about their hobbies and examining the new products. Their mutual interest in hobbying constituted a shared bond that they could explore and enjoy. As I listened to them, it dawned on me that at no point in my life do I ever want to have some chirpy little wiener telling me what he's interested in. I've got my own hobbies. I don’t need your whiny voice telling me about yours. Go play with your shit and leave me alone.

slobby

2007-06-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
I want to lose weight, but I'd prefer to not do any actual exercise of any sort. I'd also really like to keep eating as I have been. In addition, I'm not very fond of the idea of going under the knife. Bulimia is also not really an option. I suppose there are some drugs that I could take, but I don't particularly like the idea of ingesting a bunch of chemicals and tainting my heretofore drug-free body. Are there any other options out there for me?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
You fat fuck. You want to lose weight but don't want to lift a finger to do so. Nor do you want to change your habits in any way. You want to continue doing everything you did before which resulted in you being a tub of shit, but somehow have it miraculously not pack any more weight onto your carriage, and ideally have it somehow actually result in weight loss.

Yeah, good luck with that chunky. If people could continue to eat like pigs and move like sloths and still lose weight then America would be the healthiest, trimmest nation in the world. Maybe we could engineer our bodies so that eating pork rinds and drinking soda with our bulk parked in front of the tv would just melt the pounds away. Wouldn't that just be fanfuckingtastic?! It would indeed. But it ain't gonna happen Tons-o-fun so either suck it up and be content with your flab or put a gun in your mouth and end your big fat life.

hey shakespeare - eat a fatty

2007-06-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Writers suck. What a bunch of pretentious small-cocked know-it-all fusspot bastards. "Ooh look at us, we experience things, and then write them down. We express ourselves through the written word. We work with grammar and syntax and tenses. We use our intellect and our imaginations to overcome our inner demons."

Piss off Poindexters. We're all fucking tired of it. You and your big goddamned brains spewing out your bullshit. Like anyone cares. You know what I need? I need a car that runs, and a place to live, and food on my table. What I don't need is for you to hack away at a keyboard and spin your thoughts into yarns, poems, vignettes, anecdotes, missives, stories, tomes, novels, or epics. I need to fill my head with your words like I need an axe to the face.

How about you do something useful with yourselves? Get a job at Target so they can open another lane and I can buy my Rogaine and Fiddle-Faddle that much faster. Work at the DMV so my license doesn't expire while I'm in the line to renew it. Put on an orange vest and fill in the pothole in front of my driveway so I don't damage my Escalade. There are any number of useful things you could be doing that more directly benefit me than sitting at your computer hooking up words and phrases and clauses.

I'm an American. I don't need to read. I've got cable.

history 101: shoot everybody

2007-06-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
A friend of mine and I are planning on wiping out the jockocracy in our high school next month. Can you suggest weaponry that is easy to conceal and use, yet effective for mass slaughter? Thanks a bunch.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
The high school killing spree thing has kinda played itself out don'tcha think? Back in the glory days of Columbine and its copycats it was still an interesting and even chilling example of peer-pressure, teen angst, and school politics. But so much shit has happened since then that, frankly, we're really not interested. Teens constitute a section of society completely worthless to the rest of us. Sure, you think that you have all these terrible problems and your lives are difficult and no-one understands you, but that just isn't the case. In all actuality we understand you too well. We've all been there. Yeah, it blows, but then it ends and you join the real world and realize how fucking easy it really was. You're a bunch of whiny pansies with too much time on your hands, no responsibilities to speak of, and no impact whatsoever to the world outside your hallways. Ideally you would kill each other on a daily basis and thin out the herd a little bit so we don't have to pay more taxes to shoulder the burden of your uneducated welfare-receiving asses when you're finally shat out into the world with the rest of us. You must have a chemistry lab at school, why don't you mix up something that will wipe out not only the jocks but indiscriminately strike down a healthy portion of the rest of you too - including yourself. That might at least make a marginally intriguing nightly news story.

rocks for sale

2007-06-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

I heard you can sell your testicles, so I looked into it. Apparently it's a hoax. It's actually illegal in the US to sell your own organs. Removal of them from a healthy, living person is apparently against the law - if you're going to profit from it. I guess that means if there's no money in it you can give your stones to whomever you want. But if I ain't gonna make bank off the boys, they can stay right the fuck where they are.

ass on delivery

2007-06-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Hi MR. Advice Man.
I am your Laos new bride. You were suposed to meet me at the air-port last thursday. WHere are you? I living in air-port lounge waiting for you. My father very mad to. He sayyou owe him extra money for under age vergin. you say in last e-mail that you take care of me. and i can call youdaddy. Help plese. I make happy. I love good.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
As I explained to your father many many times, I am not in need of a Laotian bride at this time. The money I sent initially was to pay for the expense of the cargo container which was to transport you back to the Champassack Province. I regret the misunderstanding and the pain it has caused you and your family. I also regret the 17 Jager bombs and the pack of Camels that led me to not only call you but also to order a box of dental dams, 8 bags of fertilizer, and the smoking fetish video "Ass Lamp 2." I would also like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize to the staff and residents of the Shady Lane Nursing Facility for the "incident" on the night of 2/19. Especially Mrs. Espinoza - to whom I wish a speedy recovery.

I hope that you can find your way home safely. Please let your father know that I am truly sorry for this mixup. By the way, your cousin Li is working out much better - your mother's suggestion of using a genital cuff rather than a cattle-prod has really brought him around.

giganticrap

2007-06-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a little story about the second-biggest piece of shit I ever saw.

I went to a parochial school as a kid. Each year, 7th & 8th graders took this little Spring Break sorta thing to a place called Camp Luther way up in northern Wisconsin. The first day we were at camp in my 8th grade year, I was in my room unpacking. In the hallway, kids kept running past the door, going into the bathroom, and running back out screaming. Well, I liked both running and screaming, so I joined in. When I got to the end of the hall, there was a line of kids in front of me waiting to get into the bathroom, and a group of kids rolling around laughing like crazy on the other. All the while the screaming continued.

I finally got into the bathroom, walked into a stall another kid had just yelled in, and looked into the toilet. Inside was a turd the likes of which I had never seen. It was enormous. Big around as my forearm. It curled around the back of the bowl like a ring bologna - half in, half out of the water. My little kid brain tried to come to terms with what I was seeing. What kind of an ass could have expelled such a thing? It looked like someone had shit out a dachshund. I heard screaming and realized it was my own voice. I tore my eyes from the colossal dookie and ran out to collapse into the pile of kids in the hall.

We never did find out who launched that giant missile, even though we discussed it endlessly.

Oh - and the first biggest piece of shit I ever saw? Well, that of course was "Battlefield Earth".

hello again!

2007-06-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
I was wondering if 3 or more erections a day is normal. I ask because my boyfriend and I can be out in public or at home doing nothing and he gets an erection and we are not doing anything sexual to cause this. Please tell me if this should be a medical concern. Is this really normal and is there a set number of how many erections should occur daily?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Without knowing how old both of you are I can't answer this. If you're both 14 then his cock has no idea what the hell it's for or when it's appropriate to be interested. He's as likely to be soft as he is hard at any given moment. Hopefully for his sake it doesn't decide to sprout while he's doing problems on the board or in the showers after gym.

If you're both early twenties then he's most likely going to get hard at least that many times a day. He still can't totally control when, and even though he thinks he knows what to do with it when the time for it is warranted, he's still an idiot and you're better off masturbating than letting him push it around in you for 8 minutes at a pop.

In your thirties he's most likely not going to get hard for some random reason, and once he's done being hard will become much more interested in Sports Center than anything you got goin' on. Luckily he's actually amassed some skills by this time and when the crank comes a knockin, your ass will be rockin.

40s. He'll still get hard, but you're gonna have to put in some extra effort for it to be fun for you both. 50s will be a fight between erections and naps. 60s he can get hard, but the effort involved is considerable and any amount of activity is likely to slip his discs or throw out his hips. 70s he’ll be asleep. 80s dead. 90s - if he's still kickin you won't be able to see his cock through the Depends. Anything over 100 and he realistically has to pee just to find the thing.

speaking of poop & liquor...

2007-06-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever drank a beer while shitting? I haven't. I wonder what kind of guy would.

poop hazard

2007-06-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I'm on the shitter too long my legs fall asleep and when I get up it's hard to walk and then I think to myself this must be what it's like to have artificial limbs and then that makes me realize that someone who really has artificial limbs would be insulted by this and then I feel like a dick.

Fucking dairy.

speaking of liquor

2007-05-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Pabst Blue Ribbon confounds me. It's a terrible beer. Just plain bad. There is no argument against this. People cannot say they drink it for the taste. It's simply not possible for that to be true. So then why do they drink it? What would make them willingly put this swill in their mouths? It's not refreshing. It's not delicious. It's watered down piss-yellow shit in a can. And yet every bar I go to, people are tossing back PBRs.

It's gotta be marketing. Somewhere along the way Pabst positioned itself as both the beer of the hypercool college fratboy asshole, and the pseudo-gay hipster dufus. Groups easily swayed by the opinions of others.

Frats by their very nature give up personal choice for a communal thought process. 50 new friends who've voted you into their house because you wear the same striped Izod shirt and tattered (at the factory) baseball cap they do. Convince one of these brain-dead assjacks to do something and they all follow suit. Like lemmings to a cliff or Germans to genocide - hook one, and you've got an army.

The hipster dufus would cry (probably literally) that he is an individual. He's not like every other guy. He's sensitive. He cares. He's in a band you've never heard of who's going to be the next Evenescence because they care about the music. It's all about the music. They have insightful lyrics that make preteen girls swoon. They're so fucking deep.

All Pabst had to do to hook the fratboys was set up tents at campus football games and have PBR served at dirt cheap prices by big tittied bartenders. Sold. Customer for life. Not sure how they appealed to the mascara & tight-jeans wearing Emo crowd though. Maybe those manbitches all just got together and decided it would be ironic and unexpected of a bunch of girly pansies to drink such a lowbrow beer.

Whatever the real reasons, whenever I see someone downing this shit all I can think is here's an individual completely incapable of thinking for himself. Instead of letting his tastebuds decide what he'd like to drink, he lets a marketing campaign or his circle of worthless friends make the decision for him. He is a spineless douchebag jerkoff. Lowest of the low. A complete sack of fuck.

To make the world a better place for all of us I suggest the next time you see some idiot drinking Pabst, kick him right in the throat.

drinky poo

2007-05-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Whenever I am in social situation that is slightly formal like a work-related party or happy hour, I don't really know how to act. I get uncomfortable and suddenly lose my social skills. I either tense up and interact with no one, or I say or do something completely inappropriate. Do you have any advice on how I can get rid of my uneasiness during social situations?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Ever heard of liquor? It's sole purpose on the earth is to make a person care less about what's going on around them. If you're worried about how to act or what to say then order yourself a double and let the soothing powers of alcohol flush your inhibitions down the drain. I shouldn't even have to be telling you this. How hard is this to just realize on your own? Of course you're probably asking this because you're one of those pricks who doesn't imbibe. God I hate you people. Stop being such a fucking pussy and just get your drink on already. If you counter this by saying "I shouldn't have to drink to have fun" then I'll reply "Go fuck yourself." Obviously you DO need to drink to have fun, cuz your tight-ass don't seem to be having any now. And since when is a work happy-hour a slightly formal event? It's no kindof event at all. It's a bunch of people you know from your job getting drunk at a bar. Loosen up for chrissakes. Shake out the bun, slam some tequila and get on with getting' it on.

let's eat billy

2007-05-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

When those people in foreign impoverished nations are filming the commercials asking you to donate .37 cents a day to feed someone - where do they go for lunch? A film crew is comprised of a lot of people, and if the on-air talent is any indication, they're not hurting for nourishment. So what - do they leave the breakfast buffet in whatever hotel they're in and fly to these shithole towns, film the miserable people living there, and then head back to a big meal in town? How about they take all the money for broadcasting equipment, transportation, room and board and just give it directly to these poor fucks?

feels like.... carrots

2007-05-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Here are some things that probably wouldn't feel very good in your ass:

Rake
Wristwatch
Filing cabinet
Staplegun
Dehumidifier
Live chickens
The Bay City Rollers
Baked potato
Loch Ness Monster
Trumpet
Leaf blower
Outboard motor
Waffle iron
Portable cd player
Garbage can
Tackle box
1983 Dodge Omni GLH
Aquaman
Scythe
Yield sign
My foot

come again?

2007-05-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Hey Mr. Advice Cock,

Why are you such a cock? I mean, you're a real cockeater. I bet you're sitting there right now, eating some cock. Fuckin' cockeater. What kinda cock do you like best, anyway - skinny whitebread honky cock, or big black cock, or maybe you like the little tiny asian cock? I bet if you were a bird you'd want to be a cockapoo...and the poo would come from sticking your own cock up your ass. Man, I just can't believe how much of a cock you are. If you're were a rooster you'd probably just strut around, yelling "cock-a-cock cock cock". Fuckin' cock-eater. Try to explain yourself, if you can tear youself away from all that cock.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Less talk. More cock.

tender meat

2007-05-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
What’s the "jerk" in jerk chicken?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
The act of perforating a carcass with a sharp object is known as "jerking." Once the carcass is jerked the holes can be filled with seasonings. The jerked holes also allow heat to escape without a loss of moisture. So if you want to delight your guests with a tender & savory treat, you should really get into the habit of jerking your meat.

frankenhomo

2007-05-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

Remember FrankenBerry? He was pink. What kindof a self-respecting Frankenstein monster is pink? Count Chocula was brown and Boo-Berry was blue. Reasonably cool monster colors. But pink? That's not scary. That's just soft. Candyass Frankenberry.

review review

2007-05-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

I wonder how many movie reviewers this week have had the line "Shrek the Turd" rejected by their editors.

I haven't seen the movie, and most likely won't. I also haven't seen Spiderman, and probably won't. Being a movie reviewer seems like it would be a cool job, but when I think about how much wretched awful shit Hollywood releases, it makes me reconsider that opinion. I've thought about putting reviews on here, but the only ones I'd be interested in writing are ones shitting all over the movies I've seen. Which would require me to see a lot more crap than I want to. The joy of dumping on garbage would severely be diminished by the time wasted seeing the garbage in the first place. I'm sure that seeing "Wild Hogs" would allow me to string together a lot of bile, but really, how does that benefit me?

Plus, every asshole in the world thinks they have valid movie opinions. Most don't. They assume that the ability to watch a movie imbues them with the skills to review one. They are wrong. Watching a debate doesn't make you a politician. Reading a book doesn't make you an author. Watching a movie doesn't make you a filmmaker, or even a reviewer. You're the same dumb bastard you were two hours ago. Eat your popcorn and shut your hole.

kinder words

2007-05-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Mr. Advice Guy, you seem to have all the answers. No matter what anyone asks you, no matter how trivial or inane, no matter how serious or far-reaching, you know just what to do. The only downside is that you seem a titch negative. I'm just curious... have you ever thought about using your powers for good, instead of evil? I think you could be a great contributor to our society if you were just a bit more personable and diplomatic. It'd make it easier for people to see the wisdom hidden in your words is all I'm saying. Just give it some thought, my friend.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Go fuck yourself. The world needs more even-tempered sympathetic bleeding hearts like I need a third nut. Everybody wants to be your friend and identify with you and empathize with your goddamned problems now. We're becoming a kind and nurturing society of weak-titted ineffectual drones. Not because anybody legitimately gives a shit - but because we're all scared we'll be looked down on by our peers for not being compassionate; or frightened of taking a shiv to the abdomen if we raise our voice in protest. We're a nation of cowards hiding behind a pretense of politeness. This fucking bullshit façade of pleasantries pulled over our evil, hateful hearts. Why do we listen to our neighbor's music through the walls? Why do we clean up other people's spills in the community kitchen? Why do we let that waspy twat in the SUV merge right the fuck in front of us?? Because we're a bunch of spineless assholes so castrated by political correctness that we won't tell anyone when they're pissing us off. We've had the concept of "constructive criticism" beaten into us for so long that all we offer now are false opinions and weak platitudes. Mealy-mouthed no-nothing assbags repeating sections verbatim out of "Chicken Soup for the Cocksucker's Soul" - pretending it's a real substitute for expressing actual emotion. You want me to be more diplomatic? Blow me. If anything I need to be a hell of a lot less diplomatic. I need to tell you that if you were here posing this question in person that I'd beat you half to death with a coal shovel for even asking it and then I'd go to your house and punch your wife in the face.

(filler)

2007-05-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

Blah blah blah I hate this and blah blah blah did ya ever wonder that and blah blah blah look at these jackasses over here.

soup du jerk

2007-05-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Dear Mr. Advice Guy...

Why is the soup of the day always the same at every restaurant? Everywhere I go it's the "Soup du Jour". Dammit. I want something besides that sometime. And, worse yet, it always tastes different. Never the same two days in a row or in two different places on the same day. One place it'll taste like Chicken Noodle. Another place like Clam Chowder. One day it'll be Cream of Broccoli. Another day it'll be Chili. I mean, shouldn't these places have a little consistency? If they're all going to serve Soup du Jour, they should get together and decide what it's going to look and taste like. Cripes.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Well, "Soup du jour" is French, and it literally means "Whatever we have the most of, in a bowl." Ha ha. Literally. Don't ya just hate it when people use the word literally to preface things which couldn't possibly have occurred? Like if someone says "I could literally eat a whole cow!" What they're trying to get across is that they're hungry. But what they are actually saying is that they could sit down and devour every single part of a bovine. From its shit encrusted fly-swatting tail to the little string of spittle that's always hanging down off its big slobbery tongue. Every last part. Hair, horns, hooves, intestines, all 4 stomachs. The whole thing. That's what "literally" means. It doesn't mean after-a-fashion, or nearly like, or somewhat close to. It means in a literal, actual, real sense you could do that thing. "It's literally like being on the sun outside!" No. It isn't. It's not so hot that your body would burst apart at a molecular level and metals would turn to gas. It might be uncomfortably warm, I'll grant you that. But it's not millions of degrees, you fatuous fuck.

Back to soup. I don't know. Who cares. Get a salad.

always with the talky

2007-05-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Ever get into a conversation with someone where they're really interested and you couldn't possibly give less of a shit? They're yammering on and on about this and that and you're turning off the parts of your brain that process speech and trying desperately to focus your attention anywhere else. What should I have for lunch? Did I pay the cable bill? Should I get a free-range sex ape? At the same time, you keep a tiny part of your hearing trained on them so you can occasionally mutter "yeah" or "uh huh" or "wow". Don't you really just want to walk away from them, or say "Please shut up. Don't talk to me anymore about this. Ever. I don't care."

What makes us stay in that conversation? Why don't we just leave? Why is it more rude for us to walk away than it is for some loudmouthed bastard to assault our senses with their nonstop blather? Think how much more you'd get done everyday if you didn't spend so much time listening to stupid fuckers drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

keying the lockhorns

2007-05-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Lockhorns is a typical one-joke comic that has existed far longer than it should. It consists of single panels illustrating the pathetic life of Leroy and Loretta, a couple who should be forcibly separated for their own good. They stay together purely out of spite, the only emotional connection between them one of open rage. Here is a typical entry, in which Loretta doesn't even bother to leave the room before berating Larry to some needle-nosed bitch who's been tricked into visiting their den of hate.

If you're failing to understand why this is funny (and believe me, it most assuredly is) let me hip you to the underlying context, which you can then apply to the vast backlog of Lockhorns comics, thus allowing you to laugh uproariously at their wacky hijinks:

Larry is lazy. His wife is a cunt.

it so was you

2007-05-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

Ever been out in the world somewhere and run into a person you think you know and get all ready to talk to them and then realize it's a whole different person? Isn't that frustrating? Doesn't it piss you off? Don't you for just a couple seconds want to talk to them anyway? Seeing as they got your hopes up and all?

Since they look like a person you know, shouldn’t they just go ahead and know some of the same shit? If I have to go to all the trouble of remembering them and finding a topic we have in common - the least they could do is be able to hold up their end of the deal and know the same things the person I thought they were knows. I don't think that's too much to ask.

So the next time I come up to you in the world and start talking to you about things that someone you look like knows, don't get all freaked out and become alarmed and try to signal for help. I'm not the asshole in this situation. I'm trying to be polite and talk to you. Whether you know me or what I'm talking about doesn't matter. Stop being a dick. Someone that looks just like you was part of a threesome behind the port-o-lets at a Foghat concert - and damnit, I want to talk about it.

i believe it's time for me to die

2007-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Would you rather die a quick painful death (i.e. gun shot) or a slow less painful death (i.e. drowning)?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Do I know the gunshot is coming? If I had to live in fear or anticipation of it I wouldn't like it at all. If it was a clean shot to the dome that I didn't know was on it's way I guess that would be a good way to go. Drowning? How is that not painful? Trapped underwater freaking out scared shitless and all you want more than anything is to just take a breath but you can't? That would fucking blow. Maybe freezing to death, that wouldn't be so bad. Fall asleep and your body just shuts down and you cease being alive. Burning to death would suck ass - with the hot and the crackle crackle and the smell of your own flesh boiling away. Blech. Being stampeded by bulls would most likely not be fun. Having your intestines pulled out and your spine electrocuted and your feet sawed off and your eyes eaten my monkeys - now that would truly be a downer.

I guess if I had to, I'd pick dying of a heart attack while ejaculating in the mouth of a Playboy bunny - no, make that two Playboy bunnies.

what from the what?

2007-05-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

A coworker asked if I remembered a discussion we had at a meeting months ago. I told him that sometimes I get sleepy.

rover and over

2007-05-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
My husband insists on having our dog in bed with us while we make love. He wants the dog to watch us. The first time, I didn't care, but it's been 4 months of this, and I can't take it any more. What should I do?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Throw the dog a bone. Hahahahahahahahaha. A bone. Heeheehee. Oh goodness. It's funny because bone could both mean penis, and a treat for a dog. Haha. Bone. Homonyms are funny.

As with most questions from women regarding sexual problems with their husbands, you're at fault. You should be thankful that you have a man, and you should do everything in your power to keep him happy. If he asks you to crawl around on all fours with a sparkler in your ass and a handlebar hat you should do it gladly and without question. Men lead hard lives and don't need to come home and hear a lot of bitch out of their women.

I'm not sure why I have to keep repeating this message - it should be obvious to anyone with any intelligence that.... oh.

totally nude nudes

2007-05-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

If you're a chick and you go to the trouble of posting your naked picture on a website, have the common courtesy to do a couple things for us:

1. Don't just show a close up of your clam. We all know what they look like. Shoving a telephoto lens in there and broadcasting a spelunker's eye view to the world doesn't help anyone.
2. Shave. A smooth snatch is more attractive than a hairy one. You don't need to be completely hairless, but a big ol' thicket down there is just harsh. Take some pride in your cooter.
3. Lose some weight. Yeah yeah, everyone's beautiful in their own way and all that shit. But really, if I'm there looking for masturbation fodder, I don't want to see your 250 lb carriage splashed across my screen. I'm trying to get off, not get nauseous.
4. Clearasil.
5. Two naked women touching each other is far hotter than one naked woman. Find a friend.

not a post

2007-05-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

I either need to do laundry more often, or buy a lot more pairs of underwear. I couldn't possibly care less about this topic, and have no intention of writing a whole paragraph about it. This appears to have the structure of a real entry. It's composed of words and punctuation and it occupies space. There are sentences. Some are very short and others are very long. But reading them doesn't amount to anything. Even if right here I say something real like I was at a frat party once where a guy had sex with a blind chick. Another frat guy was running around yelling "5 bucks to see the guy that fucked a blind chick" and waving his hand in front of face to illustrate how blind she was. Even then this paragraph isn't really worth a shit. On that same weekend I went to Hardee's and ordered food and the girl behind the counter said "there's gonna be about a thirty second wait on your burger". To which I said "do you have a magazine?" Still not worth reading. Still just a collection of words with no purpose. We told that guy at the party we'd already seen him. He said "Well pay up!"

scarrification, schmarrification

2007-05-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
I've had this problem with cutting myself for a while and I'm not sure what it means. I feel that I'm perfectly normal otherwise-not too much stress in my life, good family life, good social life, fairly good academics. There's no logical reason I should be cutting myself. I'm not suicidal- I don't want to die, I'm very happy with my life. So I'm perfectly fine except that I routinely take a knife/scissors to my skin and make nicks and cuts that bleed a little bit but not that much. The feeling I get from is it is kind of bemusement--like what the hell am I doing, and do I care? I haven't had any considerable trauma in my life...I'm just...weird. So why am I doing this? What's wrong with me? Thanks for your help.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Just shut up. Why should I waste my time analyzing you for a behavior you already know is pointless? Obviously you want attention and feel that this is just freaky enough to get everyone into a big ol' uproar and worry that you're a danger to yourself or to others and spend time analyzing you to get to the root of your problem. You don't have a problem. You have low fucking esteem and want us all to stop what we're doing and stare at your stupid scabby arms and fear for the worst. Fuck you. I need to care about your bullshit like I need a hole in my nut. Know what, keep cutting yourself. Hell, get an electric knife and saw your whole fucking arm off. Only one it'll effect is you. Better yet, stop being such a cliched psychological testcase and do something worth noticing instead.

bathroom etiquette #1

2007-05-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

Guys seem to have a lot of trouble behaving like decent human beings in bathrooms. Not to mean that they're running around in there screaming while throwing feces. I'm not talking insane asylum craziness, I'm meaning doing things in public that should be left private. Now granted, you're in a room where people are shitting so you're already in a heightened reality, but even there some decorum should be followed.

Today for instance, I walk into a bathroom and see some dude standing in front of the mirror with his pants around his thighs, straightening and tucking his shirt back in. Thankfully the tighty whities are already on, so I'm not having to stare at his snake. Even still, this isn't right, and my first thought is that this must be a private bathroom; perhaps I've entered it by mistake. But the door wasn't locked, and there's both a urinal and a toilet in its own stall here. So this is clearly a public space meant to be shared by multiple users. Okay then, what the hell is going on? Why am I looking at some guy getting dressed in front of me? If he had to pee, he should have just unzipped, emptied, and zipped back up all in front of the urinal. There's no need to back out of there to finish. There's especially no reason for this level of undress. How much heat is this guy packing that he'd need his trousers completely off his hips to unleash it? Was it tucked down a pantleg? Ridiculous. None of this can be true. So the other option is that he was in the shitter, dropped his load, and came out of there to get dressed. WHY??! What would possess a person to leave that stall and come out here to finish up? Close door, drop trau, make deposit, put pants back on. Then come out. How is that confusing? Where in that process do you stop and think "hmm... I've spent quite enough time in here, I think I'll stroll a bit before I tuck this all back in." You went in fully dressed, you should come back out fully dressed. That's the rule.

So I'm standing there, trying to sort all this out, and realizing I now have to walk in front of this stupid jackass to get to the urinal. I have to walk in front of some idiot with his pants around his thighs. I shouldn't have to do that. This isn't normal. I'm not in prison.

I squeeze past the fool and get to the urinal, where I pee like you're supposed to. Zipper unzipped, boy with his head out, aimed at the cake. The other idiot finishes dressing, and then steps up the the sink. He turns the water on and sucks a huge amount of mucous back into his throat and spits it in the sink. Loudly. WHAT THE FUCK??!!! Where am I? Where does he think he is? Does he live here? Is this his home? Am I in the wrong? Did I accidentally walk through a dimensional portal directly into this man's house?

No. I didn't. I'm in a public place. I'm behaving properly. I'm not standing around with my junk out peeing willy-nilly all over the place. I'm using the room as it should be used. For its intended purpose. This assdouche is completely sullying the experience for me by parading around half-dressed and hacking his lungs out. He should not be here. He should rethink his actions. He should use some goddamned common sense.

shut

2007-05-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder if you'll ever completely run out of things to say? One day you'll just realize that you've uttered every possible combination of words in your vocabulary. You'll have exhausted every last conceivable thought floating around in your stupid brain. Maybe, as a precaution against that happening and you being left a mute for the remainder of your days - you should shut the fuck up every once in a while now.

hickory dickory cock

2007-04-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
clouds cannot be found
the sky is large and looming
there's grass underfoot

Mr. Advice Guy says:
There was a woman who lived in a pit
And her twat smelled exactly like shit
So she rinsed out her box
With liquid Clorox
And it bleached all the hair on her slit

boring blog entry #79

2007-04-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

I noticed the other day that the Fast Break candy bar lists as an ingredient "nougats". Not nougat. Nougats. As in more than one individual nougat. I was under the impression that nougat was both singular and plural. Like water. To my knowledge, no matter how much nougat you have, it amounts to one measure of nougat.

An ounce of water = water.
An ounce of nougat = nougat.

An ocean of water = water.
An ocean of nougat = nougat.

The term nougats makes it seem like there is a predefined amount of nougat, and multiples of that amount constitute more than one nougat (nougats).

I strongly disagree with this.

i am, therefore i think

2007-04-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

You know what the great thing about opinions is? No matter how stupid they are, it doesn't matter. No one can tell you that you're incorrect. You're not stating truths, you're voicing feelings. So you can be as balls out wrong as you want.

Like, say for instance that I was of the opinion that genocide is hilarious, papercuts are enjoyable, women are good drivers, and Robin Williams is funny. Obviously in a factual sense, none of these are true and logic can disprove them. But since an opinion doesn't have to be correct, I can believe any stupid shit I decide to.

nickels are shiny

2007-04-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Is there a specific type of investment company that I should look for to help me invest my money? Is there someone that is willing to start with the basics and help me get started on a financial plan that makes sense? And is there a minimum amount required when investing? Also, could you explain On-Balance-Volume, preferred v. common stock, float, BB v. OTC stocks, and TRIN numbers?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
No.

page 3: shit!

2007-04-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

Someone should invent magazines made out of toilet paper. You read them on the shitter anyway, why not be able to clean yourself up with em when you're done? Why send them to a landfill eventually when you can just as easily flush them down the drain? This will be especially fitting for rags like "People" which weren't even worth wiping your ass with before.

it just doesn't matter

2007-04-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
I'm a 14 year old girl and I have a crush on this guy who I just met this school year. We are kind of friends, we talk to each other and share our food at break and things like that. Well I like him a lot and I told my two closest friends. One of them told this one guy and he started spreading it all through class. I didn't want anyone to know in case the guy I like didn't like me back. So eventually the whole class was talking about me. I'm so embarrassed.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Boo fucking hoo. You wanna know what the least important thing in the whole wide world is? The opinion of 14 yr old girls. Nothing in your life matters to anyone outside your bedroom door. Your friends, the boy, the girls in phy-ed; it's all crap. It doesn't affect the world, and the world doesn't care. Teenagers think they are the center of the universe, that what they do is important. Well you're not. Your English papers, your school dances, your confused sexuality. Bullshit. Couldn't make less of a difference. You may think differently, your parents might tell you otherwise, but know this - you don't matter.

The reason High School exists is to keep you off the streets for four more years until you're old enough to get a job and serve a purpose. You don't learn anything there. Nothing you're going to use. Algebra - useless. Social Studies - useless. It's all just a façade. Something to keep your minds distracted from realizing that you're incarcerated. Until you're out and can either pump gas or go to college, your opinions, thoughts, and dreams are moot. Why is a college education supposedly worth something? Because you have to pay for it. You're keeping the system running by shelling out cash to learn all the things we wouldn't teach you for free. Colleges exist to make money. Money keeps the economy rolling. You take your degree and get a job and produce children who grow up to spend money going to college. The system perpetuates itself.

The downtime between the cycles is called childhood, wherein the spawn of the workers sponge off the system until they are ready to fill the coffers again. You are part of that downtime. You're a drain, a recession.

10 years from now, when you've paid your fee and have a job and are a contributing member of society, write to me again with your problems. I'll take the time to thoughtfully consider them, and respond with an answer 68% as good as one I'd give to a similarly employed male.

assdroid

2007-04-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

I was in a design meeting recently, discussing a new whatever. People around me were excited and engaged and passionate. There were informed debates and lively discussions; good ideas and constructive criticism. Progress was achieved and goals were set.

I drew pictures of robots riding donkeys.

me, myself and me

2007-04-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

What I asked:
Dear Mr. Advice Guy,

The douchebag is at his old place right now, so I'm able to write this question. He briefly had the internet for free at his new place and thought he was the cat's ass. Then it went away and he doesn't know why and his girlfriend who is supposedly helping pack up is just banging shit around in another room and complaining about not having enough packing supplies and he can't concentrate on what he's WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT CRASHING SOUND??!?!?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
You're clearly insane, and should shut your hole.

who went where now?

2007-04-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

What I asked:
Dear Mr. Advice Guy,

I write a column called Mr. Advice Guy on some crappy blog run by a douchebag. The douchebag is in the process of moving, so I may not be able to access the internet every day to update my column. The wackass blog software doesn't allow me to post ahead of time, so my column may be postponed or delayed for a week or more.

What should I do?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Dear Fucktard,

No one gives a shit.

flaming nards

2007-04-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Mr. Advice Guy,

It burns when I pee! Help!

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Stop peeing.

shark minute

2007-04-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

I just watched this movie about a shark who was eating people. He was all swimmin' around chomp chomp chomp biting everybody in half. And the people were all "oh shit, that shark's eating everybody" and this one guy was scared. Then these other guys came and one was old and ugly and the other one was young and smart. They say maybe somebody should kill that shark or somethin'. And the shark's still all chomp chomp chomp. Then a dude's dog gets eaten and this other chick gets super pissed! So old ugly guy, young guy and scared guy go out in a boat and get drunk and shoot harpoons all over the place. Then the shark goes out-of-his-mind bitchcakes and smashes everything and the ugly guy dies but the scared guy blows up the shark.

I think it was called "Apeshit Shark".

straight eye for the queer guy

2007-04-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
What types of cheeses and breads does one typically serve at a wine-tasting party? I plan to offer chardonnays, merlots, and pinot noirs. Maybe a Beaujolais if I'm feeling adventurous.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
I'd personally go with Velveeta and Wonder bread. And I'd serve it with beer. Why? Because I'm a man and don't know anything about cheeses or breads. To me both of these items are just ingredients that you use to make sandwiches. They are completely subservient to meat, which is really the only important choice. I buy cheese in slices at the deli. Sometimes American, sometimes Cheddar, occasionally Swiss if I'm feeling fruity. I know that gourmet cheeses exist, but they are not something a man purchases. They come in any variety of runny, crumbly forms - most of which smell like feet. I have no need for this in my life. And the fanciest breads I get come in donut shapes - often covered in sprinkles.

In the future, you may want to address these types of questions to "Mr. Gay Homo Queer Man-Sex Guy". Wine is an acquired taste - much like semen.

i can't see clearly now

2007-04-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

I used to live in a city that contained a school for the deaf and blind. Near my house was a bus stop for it. Every time I passed that bus stop I thought to myself that this exact conversation must have taken place there every single day:

"Where's the bus?"

"Huh?"

playboy

2007-04-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Thank you for the advice regarding my husband's "strange" comment. You seem to really understand him, so I thought you might be able to explain this...

My husband has kept every issue of Playboy since I met him. I don't mind that he gets Playboy, but I do mind that he keeps them. It seems like such a waste of space to me. When I ask him why he needs over 50 Playboys, he just says "I use them." What the hell does that mean?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Playboy does have a lot of useful information in it. From fashion advice to wine & food reviews to new fiction from top authors. I myself read it for the pictures of beautiful naked women in each issue - women who are so unbelievably hot that it makes every woman I come across in real life look like steaming dogshit. Gorgeous young women lounging in revealing lingerie, having sexy fun at a pajama party or just relaxing by the pool. Not a wrinkle on 'em. Perfect round breasts. Toned thighs. Heart-shaped asses. It's good stuff. Not that you should feel inadequate by any means. I'm sure you're an attractive woman yourself. Doing everything you can to keep yourself in top physical condition - eating right, exercising every day, shaving your quim. I wouldn't imagine that there's anything at all lacking in your physical appearance. There's no reason to consider that he might be burning images of breathtaking hotties into his brain so he can feed off those memories when confronted by your hideous deformity. I'm positive the rest of his statement isn't "to remind myself that there's still beauty in the world." No, that's not it at all. I wouldn't even worry about it.

And if you're so concerned about wasted space in your house - how 'bout you throw out that unused treadmill your muu-muu is hanging on?

public shit

2007-04-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Hey Mr. Advice Guy,

I was just in the crapper, and it made me think...back in college I knew this girl who was deathly afraid of catching something (I'm not sure what) from the dorm toilets. So, anytime she had to go she took a little spray bottle of Lysol with her, sprayed and wiped down the seat, and then did her business. She was adamant about it. She'd even refuse to use a toilet in any of the other buildings...'cause she didn't want to use an unsanitary one. She'd hold it until she got back to the dorm.

Dude...that's fucked up.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Nobody really enjoys the public bathroom experience - but resorting to the extremes she did is messed up. I'm certainly no fan of the work shit - but sooner or later you have to drop a deuce on the clock. It's just something you're forced to deal with. I don't want to hear - or smell - another human making a deposit, and I'll choose a one-stall shitter anytime it's available - but I'm sure as hell not going to hold it until I get back to my own bathroom. That's just askin' for trouble. And it doesn't even sound like embarrassment was what this chick was trying to avoid. She was scared of catching something from the seat. What a paranoid bitch. Like her ass is too delicate to be pressed against the same seat as everyone else's. How was applying Lysol to her skin every day any better for her? To top the whole thing off - she wasn't even saving her fragile posterior for a private stall. She was merely choosing one public shitter over another. What this chick needed far more than a sanitizer for her ass was a swift kick to the head.

cancer of the whatnow?

2007-04-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Mr. Advice Guy...

'Member in that move, Donnie Brasco, how that one guy, who Al Pacino played, always said he had "cancer of the prick"? Is that real? And, if it is, is there such a thing as "cancer of the twat"?

Thanks!

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Was that the flick with him and Depp? Where Depp is some kinda cop/federal agent trying to take down a drug cartel or something? That the one? Why is that only drug organizations are called cartels? Ya never hear that word applied to any other kind of business. Why can't they just be a drug corporation, or a drug group, or a drug co-op? I think Michael Madsen may have been in that too. He's kindof a shiteater don'tcha think? He's always got that squinty look to him, like the sun is just too oppressive for his sad sad eyes. Boo-hoo Mr. Fucking Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome - get yourself some shades. Speaking of light, have you heard of this bullshit Seasonal Disorder thing? Apparently in the winter months the earth doesn't get enough direct sunlight, and because of that - whiny pissant jackasses think they get all depressed and can't function. What a bunch of shit. A thousand years ago nobody had fucking Seasonal Disorder maladies. They were too busy fighting to survive past the age of 25 to invent horseshit disorders. This planet needs another plague to thin out humanity and give us something real to worry about. Candy-assed bitches.

boo hoo

2007-04-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
I'm divorced with 2 children. My ex-husband is living with me and we have no future. He is an active alcoholic and drug user. He has been in trouble with the law numerous times. I have re-filed for child support, and I want him out of my house. I am afraid of him. He has been abusive with me and the children. He is also very controlling, manipulative, and checks up on me all the time. We have been divorced for two years. I want this man out of my house and I don't know how to go about it. The police are not helping me.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
I went to Burger King the other day and order a Whopper value meal - hold the onions. I don't like onions on a burger, and worse yet, they repeat on me. I sat down to eat my dinner and when I bit into the sandwich I felt certain that I tasted onions. I pulled the bun off the sandwich and looked inside. Sure enough, they hadn't held them. If anything it seemed like there were extra onions. I wanted to take the burger back to the counter but the line was really long and I didn't want to go back up there and fight through all those people. So I had to sit there like a chump picking onions out of a mixture of lettuce, ketchup and mayo. My hands were all messy by the time I was done, and I had to get up to retrieve more napkins.

We all have problems. Stop being such a whiny bitch and deal with it.

random email exchange #1

2007-04-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

you:
lazy blog fucker. what's the use of having it if you don't write new crap for it? that's the purpose of blogs. for tools to spew their stuff out on the internet everyday they live.

me:
i ask myself that same question every day.

billy don't be a queero

2007-04-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Dear M.A.G.

Why are you such a shit? I tried Google, but it didn't know.

Billy.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
You asked Google why I'm such a shit? And you didn't get an answer? Shocking. Maybe you need to try a search that's more likely to produce a match. String words together that have things in common. Such as:
Billy whiny faggot
Billy cock weasel
Billy numbnuts douchebag
Billy asshead goatfucker
Billy can't-maintain-an-erection loser
Billy wears-frilly-panties peepee-smoocher
Billy takes-it-in-the-crapper tossed salad prison bitch

Let me know how those work out for you ya semen-gargling poodle-walker.

i also don't like my job too

2007-03-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Who the hell is responsible for creating a system where pretty much everyone on the planet has to get up ridiculously early every morning to go to demeaning, underpaying, and mindnumbingly boring jobs? And those are the lucky ones. The unlucky ones have to hustle for work, sell themselves, do whatever to put food in their mouths. Why does it have to be this way? Can't we, as a human race, just say No to the need for working. Let those brown-nosing creeps who actually like putting on suits and sitting through traffic every day work if they want. Why can't the rest of us have the freedom to stay home in our underwear, eat frozen pizzas and play video games if that's the only thing that makes us happy? Can't we do better than this system? C'mon people.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Suck it up, Nancy. Yes - the system sucks. All our jobs blow. The world is a shitty shitty place. Especially for poor white-collar cocksuckers who sit at work and write me questions about how to get out of working at places where they are allowed to fuck off and write me questions about how oppressively hard their jobs are. You want to not work? Then don't. Quit. You want to sit at home in your underwear? What the fuck do I care? I'm sure society will recognize your rightful place to be a worthless sack of fuck and donate pizza and videogames to your cause. We'll all chip in for rent and food money so you can realize your dream of unfettered sloth.

So there's my answer. Put in your notice, get MarioKart 3, some Red Baron pizzas & Mug root beer and just sit on your big fat ass while the rest of us work to support you - you lazy bitchy twat.

the strange

2007-03-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
The other day my husband said that sometimes, everyone's gotta have some "strange." Is this just healthy male rhetoric or should I be concerned?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Simply put, your husband wants to have sex with other women. Being raised in a sexually repressive culture you'll immediately want to say that he's wrong and that you should be insulted because he should be satisfied with you and you alone. But let's think about this a little. Realistically, it's just Darwinism. Males (of any species) have a deep drive to procreate. Survival is based on having offspring. Yes yes, people have evolved beyond the need to pump out enormous numbers of children, but millions of years of evolution is baked into our DNA, and that's hard to reverse - even with the constant guilt heaped upon the sex act by the Pope. If you really cared for him, you would understand that his desire to pork teenage cumsluts is not a reflection on you or those godawful sweatpants you keep wearing, but is just him being a healthy male, responding to his genetic blueprint. I mean c'mon, do you really think that you're special enough to curb evolutionary instinct? Maybe if you were in better shape sure. Fixed yourself up a little. Put on some Jean Nate After Bath Splash. In fact, I think him sharing his desire with you at all instead of just going out and doing it illustrates a deep love on his part. Deeper than you deserve, you hulking fleece-clad beast. The least you could do is bring home some hot officemates for him to bone while you cook him a nice meal. Is that so much to ask?!

computer elite

2007-03-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Mr. Advice Guy - Have you ever worked with old people and computers? Helped your parents, older relatives, coworkers, etc? I do. It's pretty damn unbelievable, and sometimes outright amusing, some of the things they come up with as to why certain things happen. "I did 'A', 'B' then happened, so 'A' must have caused 'B', right?" No!!! Goddamnit!!!! No, that's not the way it works. 'A' and 'B' aren't even remotely related. That's not the way it works at all!!! It's so fucking simple!!! Why don't you understand, what are you dumb or something?!? Fuckin' retards. I'm going home.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Calm down Babbage. It's fuckers like you that make people hate computers. You assholes store up a little bit of knowledge, ferret it away, and then act like it's a big motherfucking inconvenience to have to explain it to anyone else. Maybe if you'd tell them what's really happening when they see 'B' they'd be able to understand it and figure it out for themselves the next time so they don't have to tear you away from the pressing matters in your life - like cleaning the crusted manpaste off your Seven-of-Nine action figures.

center self

2007-03-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
Mr. Advice Guy, I just cleaned out some drawers at work and was wondering, do rubber bands reproduce on their own? Cuz there sure is a hell of a lot of them in a couple desk drawers. Thanks

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Yes, Mr. Clever, they certainly do. Just like paper clips entangle themselves, electrical cords wind around each other, twist ties disappear into thin air, and shoe-strings self knot. All the world's tiniest things have gained sentience and are doing their best to confound you personally. In addition, your flashlight batteries only die when the power goes out, your car only breaks down in the middle of nowhere, and monkeys only hurl their scat at you when the zookeeper's not around to stop them. Everything in the whole universe happens for a reason, and that reason is clearly to mess with you.

You fucking dolt.

bollytrek

2007-03-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
On Star Trek (Original Series), you'd see your Africans, Chinese, Russians, and plenty of Americans and European types. But no Indians (I mean the folks from Delhi and Calcutta, not American Indians). They make up like a fifth of the world's population. Why no love for Indians on that show?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
It had nothing to do with the show itself (as in the fictional world depicted) and everything to do with Gene Roddenberry himself. Simply put, Gene hated Indians. Didn't trust 'em. Wouldn't allow them on his set, or even the sets around him if he could help it. His fanatical hatred of Indians was well known throughout the industry. Common things for persons in the industry to say were "Dude, the Roddenberry sure hates him some Indians" or "Gene's got a serious hate-on for India" or "Ya know who hates Indians? - Gene motherfucking Roddenberry that's who!"

His continued dislike can be seen in the movies. In "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" an Indian (portraying a Vulcan) is killed in a transporter accident. In "Star Trek IV: The One with the Whales" an Indian captain's craft is disabled by that giant Ho-Ho lookin' thing, and he is last seen muttering on about deploying a "solar sail" as his all white bridge crew makes angry faces and that jerk-off motion with their hands.

So there ya have it. It all comes down to good old-fashioned racism. Incidentally - there weren't any Mexicans on the original show either - because there's no reason to believe they'll work in the future either.

BAM!! Tip your waitstaff.

mythical faeries

2007-03-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
What do you think is the most improbable mythical creature? You know the kind where you wonder how in the hell they thought it up in the first place.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Oprah.

postal

2007-03-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

What you asked:
At my job, I often spend hours and hours fantasizing about walking down the corridors with a massive, high-powered gun, riddling certain coworkers with bullets. I do not have these thoughts in other circumstances, only at my stinking job. My wife thinks it's strange and that I should quit or seek psychiatric help. I just assumed that everyone hates their job and has these thoughts. Who's right?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
You are. You definitely are. How can anyone not have those thoughts? We're cooped up inside all day in hermetically sealed, harshly lit boxes - barely separated from the annoying cocksuckers around us by thin fabric walls. All day every day we stare at a computer screen filled with nonsense, busting our humps so that some asshole further up the line can profit from our misery. The bitch two cubes over talks on her phone so fucking loud we have to crank our headphones to the point of inner ear damage just to drone out her gratingly irritating voice. The new kid asks us the same fucking question 18 times a day. There's never any creamer. That jagoff Perkins in accounting won't stop with the fucking throat-clearing. Ruth, worthless twat Ruth, with her polyester thighs and nicotine teeth - every goddamned day it's "my kids are sick and my husband doesn't help and blahblahblah…" You know what Ruth - CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS!!! What? I got no problems of my own??! I need to hear yours every fucking day of my life!!! How 'bout this Ruth - how about I get a submachine gun and puncture your gas sack with a couple dozen hollow points?! HUH RUTH???? HOW FUCKING 'BOUT THAT!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how to quit

2007-03-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

Due to my lewd actions at the Willowing Palms Senior Center's Spring Jamboree, Bake Sale, and Organ Harvest, I am required to perform 180 hours of public service. To that end, I submit the following template for a letter of resignation, which can be used by anyone who is dissatisfied with his or her current position. The specifics will of course need to be altered to fit your exact situation:

Dear Cunts,

In the five years I've worked here, I've watched as sales have increased, profits have exploded, and paranoid delusion has flourished. Success has led to growth, growth has led to power, and power has led to unfettered evil. You are a company of demon bastard cockwhores whose only clear goal is to insinuate yourselves into the very fabric of life, spreading like a cancer until your caustic appendages are wrapped around the throats of every human in existence - sucking the will to live from the innocent to feed your unholy asshole crusade. You are a scourge. A succubus. A rabid, snarling devil-dog intent on destroying all you see. If there is any justice in the universe you will spend all of eternity being skullraped by Hellmonkeys.

Fuck you and your ass faces.

I hope you find this useful, because if you don't I have to chisel hardened spunk off the crappers at the I5 rest stops.

the full recap

2007-03-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Vegas is dirty.

vegas baby!!

2007-03-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Vegas today, which means none of my bullshit til next Tuesday. You'll have to read your own bitchass blog until then.

Peace out, fuckas.

precious mullet

2007-03-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

....and I have no idea what to make of this abomination:

sucker

2007-03-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

I'm all for established brands striving for an updated, hip new image. But frankly, I just find this ad confusing:

again with chewbacca?

2007-03-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of problems in the world today. Sickness, crime, overpopulation, boy bands, drugs, war, Oprah, terrorism…. The list goes on and on. You can look in almost any direction and see something bad, sad, tragic or awful. We're faced on a daily basis with a lot of horrific shit. That's how the world is. And yet, with all these real problems staring us down, we spend the majority of our time fixated on pointless crap.

Hair loss is not a disease. It's not a cancer that needs to be eradicated. It's not a sign of weakness or sexual inadequacy. It's just a lack of hair. That's it. It's a biological fact. It doesn't need to be studied, examined, treated or altered. No consultations, visits or appointments need to be scheduled. No over the counter medications, balms, salves, pills or topical ointments need to be obtained.

Men losing their hair whine about so much shit. They don't get promoted, they don't get laid, no one respects them… all due to their bald melons. Such nonsense. These bitchy sacks of fuck would have exactly the same problems no matter how much hair they had. They could be goddamned Chewbacca and it wouldn't make a bit of difference. People get promoted and laid and respected because of the person they are, not because of how much of their skull you can see. But these jackasses think that if only they had hair, all would be right with the world. They'd make more money, have a better car and a prettier wife. If these sorry bastards would spend less time being brainwashed by Hair Club ads and more time making themselves better people, they would have a chance at getting all the shit they think they can't.

The saddest day ever will be the one after the day baldness is "cured". On that day, a whole bunch of formerly bald peckerheads will be walking around with shiny lustrous hair like they’re the cocks of the fucking walk. They’ll think they are simply the coolest shit ever, and then, only then, will it hit them that every last single person who thought they were douchebags when they were bald will still think they’re douchebags when covered in hair.

Of course by saddest, I actually mean greatest.

rraaaoowwwrr!

2007-03-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

Chewbacca is the greatest literary figure of our time.

shhhh....

2007-03-07T08:10:00.000-08:00

There are days where the only goal I have in them is to make it back to my bed at night. I love my bed. I love sleep. Sleep is beautiful. Sleep is king. Sleep demands nothing of you, and gives everything back. Sleep is a one way relationship of the best kind imaginable. There are those that don’t enjoy sleep. Say it’s a waste of time. Tell you they’ll sleep when they’re dead. I say turn out the light. These miserable bastards train themselves to sleep as little as they can. They love to share their profound ideas on being awake. Love to tell you how much they get done. They are incapable of realizing that you don’t care – most likely because they’re too fucking tired to focus on your expressions as you count sheep. These are the worst people alive.

There are a further class of people who don't like naps. Naps are the best possible kind of sleep. Naps represent all that is good in the world. A period of time during the day where you could do anything you want, and you choose to spend it asleep. Think about how powerful that is. I could spend two hours accomplishing anything I want, but instead, I spend it doing absolutely nothing. It's a tiny vacation from the world. It's fantastic. Its resplendant. It's a tiny slice of heaven in an otherwise impure day. To say you don't want that is to say you hate love. Hate life. Hate yourself.

For the good of everything that exists, people who don't like naps should be euthanized. They are sulleying the planet.

get off my lawn!

2007-03-06T07:19:00.000-08:00

I've never wanted kids. Still don’t. Which is often misunderstood by people to be a hatred of children. This is not true. I don’t hate them. I just don’t want ones of my own. Somewhere in our moral makeup, humans have decided that wanting to raise children is required in order to be a good person. If you don’t want to produce offspring, something is wrong with you. You have a defect that needs to be corrected. I don’t get this. I can see it maybe two hundred years ago, when having surplus children was a necessity, as people were routinely dying from diseases and bear attacks and uncontrollable falling down. People pumped out youngins because there was a lot of shit to get done, and when little Timmy was eaten by wolves, you needed a couple extra kids to chop wood or harvest grain or dig a new shitter. But that’s no longer the case. We have medicine and urgent care and very few bear attacks. Kids aren’t dropping dead left and right. We don’t need a backup to take out the trash if something happens to the firstborn. People live longer and better lives. The world’s success no longer depends on having 8 children per household. One is plenty. Although those kids usually turn out pretty fucked up, so if you’re going to have one, at least have two. The rest of us don’t really need to endure your precious asshole only child. Like physical evolution though, mental evolution takes time, so people continue to operate under the pretense that littering the earth with their spawn is necessary to our success. Realistically and logically, this is ass-backwards – since we are depleting the planet’s resources faster than we can replenish them, but try to point that out to an anti-abortion protester sometime. God is on their side of course, and once God’s involved – rational arguments no longer apply. I would like to ask these fuckers though, how many children have they adopted? How much time to they spend in orphanages, trying to improve the lives of kids brought into the world without parents to care for them? These shortsighted zealots put all their time and effort and asshole fervor into protecting the lives of fetuses, and then turn their backs on the resulting children. Should abortion be seen as just another form of birth control - as casual as the pill, or being ugly? Of course not, but for some misguided motherfucker to mandate that in every single case of pregnancy, no matter what the circumstance, abortion is absolutely never a consideration - well that's just unforgivably stupid.

The existence of anti-abortion protesters may actually be one of the better arguments for abortion.

taxes

2007-03-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

When you fill out your taxes, there's a checkbox on the federal form that asks if you want to donate 3 dollars to the Presidential Election Fund. It states that if you donate to this fund, neither your refund nor your payment will change. So if I check it, 3 dollars apparently appears out of nothing. If I'm choosing to pay it, and my monies are not affected - clearly the money is coming from somewhere else. If the government is capable of divining money out of thin air - why only ask for 3 bucks? Why not 30, or 300, or 3,000?

krauts

2007-03-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
Hey Mr. Advice Guy,
What the hell is in the water over in Germany? I mean, granted, the Germans are one fucked up group of people, but, good Lord, did you hear about this guy who butchered a willing human victim and then ate him? I know that this comes from a country of people who are into scat and watersports and that sorta shit (no pun intended), but this just seems a bit out there, even for them. Yeah, we had Dahmer and Ed Gein (go cheeseheads!!!), but they at least were murderers and/or cannibals in the traditional sense...meaning they had unwilling victims. This guy found a willing victim who had dreamed, since his childhood, of being slaughtered and eaten. Now that's fucked up. Hell, this victim even begged his killer to cut off his penis so he could watch, then said that it didn't hurt that much and was pleased by the large amount of blood. Fuckin' pervert.

What gives with those crazy kraut eating, goosestepping, scat loving, watersport playing nutters?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
They are a little more fucked up than really seems appropriate aren't they? Probably because they're such a bunch of fastidious perfectionists in their normal lives. Look at their industry and how regimented and overtly engineered everything is. Have you ever seen a cupholder in a Mercedes? It performs more mechanical operations than an entire Hyundai. A people this anal about the smallest aspects of life are bound to snap. Their attention to detail is then reflected in the actions they take when they do wig out. The guy who ate the other one had a fully functioning abattoir in his house - complete with sluice floor to wash away all the blood. He was completely prepared and invested in the project. A lazy American sociopath would never go to that much work. At some point this bullet-headed automaton drew up blueprints and installed plumbing. Made numerous trips to Haus Depot to get rubber tubing and c-clamps. All with the intention of flaying another human being. So maybe they aren't more insane than other people, they're just more committed to carrying it out. The French are probably just as crazy, but they can't even muster the energy to bathe themselves, let alone ritually sacrifice each other.

i like stuff

2007-03-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
i like those commercials where people in real life use Ratchet & Clank weapons. i like to tell people what i like. i like apple pie.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
I like to hit stuff with other stuff.

ugly little shits

2007-02-28T00:00:00.001-08:00

Why do skateboarders still exist? This is a fad that needs to die. Shouldn't a new misanthropic drug-addled soft-punk nonsport have replaced this shit by now? What is its appeal? Why does it require these assholes to wear such stupid clothing? For fuck's sake, pull up your goddamned pants already. Shitty lookin' bastards.

We get it, you really like Hot Topic. Now let it fucking go.

tired

2007-02-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
Why can't I sleep? Its like I never get enough. It's like I close my eyes and immediately wake back up. And how can you tell if you have hemorrhoids?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
If your asshole is on fire when you shit, and toilet paper feels like busted glass against it, you probably have hemorrhoids. This might also explain why you can't sleep.

irony

2007-02-26T00:00:00.001-08:00

Know what would be ironic? If you went to a dentist for years, getting all your teeth straightened and whitened and beautiful - and after your final visit, with pristine teeth - as you left the office someone jumped out with an axe and cut your whole goddamned head off.

That would suck for you.

thank god

2007-02-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

The Academy says to Babel: Fuck you.

pound

2007-02-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
Hey, why does the abbreviation for pound, lb, not contain any letters contained within the word, pound, itself? That's fucked up.

Thanks.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
This is a good question. A great question. A fanfuckingtabulous question. So good in fact that it actually prompted me to look it up. I very seldom look up anything as it requires effort on my part which I am unwilling to put forth. But in this case my curiosity was piqued (not peaked - as idiots often write, the same idiots who constantly use "loose" when they mean "lose" - two totally different words fucksticks!) so I searched for, and found the answer.

And a satisfactory answer it was.

cowboy

2007-02-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
Dear Mr. Advice Guy...

To quote the illustrious Toby Keith..."I wanna be a cowboy". Not a cowboy like back in the day, with no running water, no tv, no a/c, etc. I want to be a modern day cowboy. Riding my steel horse, packing iron, dueling with those who oppose me. In short, I want to walk around with a pair of .45's in a shoulder holster, a 6-gun on my hip, and a nice lever action rifle across my back...maybe even a nice double barrel shotgun alongside the front forks of my motorcycle.

Dude, that would fucking rock!

Anyway, that brings me to my question...when the fuck is our worthless fucking society going to quit dragging out it's decline? I mean, we're already in a death spiral - teen shootings, high school sex parties (kinda wish they'd had that one when I was a kid), bombings, that monkey in the oval office, the crazy fuck in Germany who butchered and ate his even crazier willing victim - let's just get it over with, collapse, and make with the guns, brigands, lawlessness, and random killings. Remember the golden rule, after all...fuck the gold, he with the nickel plated .45 makes the rules.

So, how much longer have we got?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
So your solution to what you see as the collapse of society is to become a motorcycle riding, gun packing, death-dealing judge & jury? Righting the wrongs done by others by pumping them fulla buckshot? That's more than a little fucked up my friend. The world is gone kinda insane that's true, but your cure is worse than the illness. At the point where homicidal Harley-riding cowboys are the answer, I'll borrow one of your .45's and blow my own fucking brains out.

jerkhole

2007-02-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
Mr. Advice Guy,

I'm an asshole. Really, I am. I drive like a fucking prick - cutting people off, weaving in and out of traffic, blocking people who want to change lanes, driving on the shoulder to get to my exit when traffic is backed up. And that's not all. I consistently do things to make life for others more difficult. Or just things to be an ass in general. For example...my neighbor across the street goes nuts decorating his house for christmas...lights fucking everywhere. Well, it bugs me and the light keeps me up at night, so I sit in my garage at night with a high power bb/pellet gun and shoot out his lights. I kinda make a game out of it. Only give myself 50 shots, see how many bulbs I get out of that, that sort of thing. So far I'm up to 36 of 50. Pretty good, for the distance and wind and such. I do other things, too, that annoy people or cost them time and money. Things that I'm reasonably sure can't be traced back to me, or proven to be things I did on purpose.

Anyway, I'm just wondering if I'm some sort of sociopath or what? It's not that I'm guilty...hell, far from it. Just curious, is all.

Thanks!

Mr. Advice Guy says:
I don't know that you're an asshole or a sociopath, but you are kindof a dick. A real asshole would not only do worse things than you, but wouldn't give a shit what I thought about it. You sound more like some knob who doesn't get the attention he thinks he deserves so you act up to get a rise out of people. You don't possess the skills or imagination to excel in any good way, so you choose to annoy people with your petty bullshit instead. Having people be upset with you is preferable to being ignored. Those cocks who switch lanes all the time or pass on the shoulder? Sure they're irritating for the three seconds you have to look at them, but anyone even halfway adjusted stops thinking about them shortly thereafter. Shooting your neighbor's lights out? What're you - 12? An asshole would fuck his wife. You're merely a nuisance. I'd continue telling you what a worthless sack of shit you are, but really that's the only reason you wrote in at all. Instead, I'm going to watch a rerun of "Manimal" and forget you exist.

jerry mathers

2007-02-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
Mr Advice Guy, I'm penning a breakup letter to an unfaithful, lying, two-faced, cheating, soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. I could use some help. Can you please suggest several unflattering terms for female genitalia? My Roget's Thesaurus is of no help in this area. Thanks.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Slit, slash, gash, hole, beaver, quim, quiff, cunny, cumcatcher, cooze, crevice, muff, muffin, cha-cha, vertical smile, clown's pocket, pie, hairpie, cherry pie, cock pocket, twat, snatch, tuna taco, cooter, poot, foo, hooch, vaj, the big V, the Y, honeypot, mons, junk, box, box lunch, liefdestunnel, peach, pink, love canal, bribe, velvet cage, fotz, fuck hole, axe wound, ass mate, biscuit, furburger, poon, poonany, camel toe, furry monkey, monkey chin, tampon socket, badger, fish, glazed donut, pussy, alcove, neukspleet, clam, bearded clam, bear trap, tool shed, Bermuda triangle, Venus Man trap, loose meat sandwich, himmelstur, bucket seat, bush, cabbage, cockpit, coin purse, cunt, finger hut, fly catcher, twadge, growler, lobster pot, stench trench, split, well, whisker box, Honinggrotje, justification, stink sink.

rerun

2007-02-19T00:00:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
Ever notice that when the people doing a radio show want a vacation they just repeat some old shows and call it a "best of" week. I wish I could just resubmit my previous work and take a week off with no consequences.

Hey, I bet Mr. Advice Guy could get away with that.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?

vader hater

2007-02-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

What you asked:
Dear Mr. Advice Guy,

I hate George Lucas. Yeah, he made a couple good sci-fi movies, but the jackass ripped off Star Trek, Dune, and a whole host of other things for his ideas. Not to mention the utter bullshit he feeds everyone about the grand plan he's had all along and all that sort of shit. Then there's the releasing of a new version every year around Christmas so he can grub up some more money for himself. I can just picture it now. This year's "special extra footage" will be him, sitting on his toilet, in a Yoda mask, wiping his ass with all the money people spend on his crap every year. Then, next year, the special footage will be special behind the scenes footage of the taping of him sitting on his toilet, in a Yoda mask, wiping his ass with all the money people spend on his crap every year. We'll see it all...him putting on the mask...him dropping trou...the film crew in front of him...the lighting techs bitching about the reflections off the mirror...old georgie himself, barking orders at everyone in Yoda-speak.

What a fucking jackass. God, I hate George Lucas.

Mr. Advice Guy says:
So if I'm hearing this correctly, you're not really a fan of Mr. Lucas. You seem to maintain that he might not be a gifted storyteller, nor a capable director.

There's a couple different things I could do here. One, I could rush to ol' Georgie's defense and point out what a brilliant businessman he is. Cutting merchandising deals that the rest of the industry only dreams about. Using the monies earned from Star Wars movies, toys, books, cereals, restaurant tie-ins, shirts, hats, mugs, sleeping bags, underpants etc…. to put himself in a position to never have to ask a studio for money again. Assuring that his unadulterated vision is the only one to hit the screen. Two, I could join your hatred and say that as a writer he's a thief and a hack, that his dialog is wooden and his storylines have been pilfered from every form of media from nursery rhymes to japanese cinema. Three, I could do the most honest thing and say that I truly don't give a shit and tell you to quit your bitching. Lucas is an asshole; Lucas is a genius. Who fucking cares? I'm not George Lucas. You're not George Lucas. The only person who is George Lucas is somewhere right now filming a movie that will make a trillion dollars whether it's the greatest single piece of cinema ever released, or the largest steaming pile of shit ever made. He's critic proof. Star Wars is the equivalent of oral sex to pasty losers everywhere. They'll happily plunk down their money to see whatever he decides to show them. The last good Star Wars move was Empire. Yet I've seen all of them since. And so have you. And so have 95% of the people you know. It's part of the culture. He made a modern myth, like it or not. Who can you name more of - Greek Gods or Ewoks? Lucas doesn't need your love, and he certainly could give two shits about your hate. What he has is your money, which he's using right now to make a movie that you'll see, and then complain about.

teenage thief

2007-02-15T00:00:00.001-08:00

What you asked:
Over the past three months my 13-year old son has been stealing money from my wife and myself. We've had a stern talk with him but it has happened again. How do you suggest we deal with him?

Mr. Advice Guy says:
Cane the fucker. He already steals from your reserves with his very presence in your home. To actively pilfer on top of it is inexcusable. Beat his ass. If you're lucky he'll learn his lesson and not continue to steal outside the house as well. You want to be a responsible parent, then it's your duty to pound this kid's dick in the dirt. On the other hand, you could do nothing, and look forward to visiting him on Thursdays between 11 and 4 through a pane of bulletproof glass.